I’ve talked before about those nuclear bombs that go off when you least expect it. Well, tonight it seems those are shared by the youngest in our family as well. After prayers, Garrison started crying as if he was in pain. The sort of cry we hear we he falls & scrapes his knee or stumbles on the steps. He’s 3 & quite the bruiser so he’s used to a good deal of punishment, but this was different. It was the cry of a broken heart. A special & terrible cry that I dread the most. I hate it because there’s nothing I can do about it. Through his tears he asked when Kyleigh would come home. It was at that moment that the bomb went off on Leann & I as well. She held him & we assured him again of the promise that she is with Jesus & that one day, when its our turn to join them, we will see her again. He settled down & is now safely asleep & I pray the Author of our dreams will assure him in a way that only He can. Won’t you pray with me?

~Rodg

Summer is officially over in our house. Today, our oldest son started Kindergarten. We all piled in the van at 8:30 this morning and drove the three minutes it takes to get to school. We navigated the hallways and walked him to his classroom. He immediately hung up his bag and made his lunch choice. He got excited when his preschool friend entered the room, but still admitted to being nervous. We took a few pictures, said our good-byes and left the room without any tears being shed. I’m not saying the tears weren’t there, we just did a good job of holding them in. As I type this, Oliver is entering his last hour of the school day, while we sit at home and anxiously await his arrival on the bus.

Technically, Oliver could have gone to school last year. We made the decision to wait and seeing him this morning only affirmed that we made the decision that was right for our son. I have spoken briefly in other posts about how hard it was to get into a routine this summer. It never got much better. We had a lot of fun this summer, but we also had a lot of difficult days. In mid-June, I was reminded by someone that this was our first summer where it would feel more like summer should. Last summer, we were still deep in grief. It was the end of June when the meals and groceries stopped coming in. I wasn’t cleared to drive until the first few weeks of June. It is a big blur and I remember very little of what we did. My goal was to get through summer and then survive the boys starting preschool. Holding Oliver back a year was the right choice concerning his grief as well. He wasn’t ready to be in a classroom of 20 other students when he was still having hard days himself. This morning, I saw a boy that is ready. He is ready to make new friends, learn more math (his favorite subject) and become more independent (if that’s possible!). We are excited for him and can’t wait to hear about his first day!!

We also know how fast time flies by. Our family has a better sense of this than most, at least in my opinion. For this reason, Rodger took the day off work to take Oliver to school and be with Garrison and me for the remainder of the day. Creating memories for both boys today was our goal. We surprised Garrison with a day out at the park playing baseball, going down slides and taking a walk around bridges and ponds. We stopped and had pizza for lunch, followed by frozen yogurt for dessert. Before we know it, our youngest boy will be walking through the doors of elementary school with his older brother showing him to his classroom. Time goes fast. It seems like just yesterday that Rodger and I were starting our senior year of high school together …

Rodger & Leann … 1st day of school as Seniors

As I was fixing lunch one day, my oldest son started telling me about Jesus calming the storm (Luke 8:22-25). He talked about the disciples being on a boat with Jesus and a big storm came. The disciples got scared and called out for Jesus, who was asleep. Oliver went on to tell me that Jesus calmed the storm and that when we are afraid, we should not fear because He is always with us. This is one of the many reasons why I love the preschool that my boys go to. They have weekly Bible time and the Scripture and stories that they learn are repeated to us at home.

All of what I am telling you happened a few months ago during the school year and I believe this conversation occurred on a rainy day. After Oliver told me about Jesus calming the storm, we talked about Oliver’s fears, particularly his fear of thunderstorms. Then he asked me, “Mommy, what are you afraid of?” I froze. I couldn’t speak. My eyes got teary and I finally managed to say, “I’m afraid of snakes.” His response was, “I don’t like snakes either!” And that was the end of our conversation.

While I really do not like snakes, I wasn’t about to tell him my biggest fear (and the one that entered my mind immediately when he asked the question). You see, my biggest fear is that something bad will happen to Oliver or his brother. I’m afraid that they will get sick, really sick. I’m afraid that they will get hurt in an accident. I’m afraid that they will die.

This is not something that I have shared with too many people. One person I have shared it with is another bereaved mom. She assured me that she holds the same fear, as do many other bereaved parents who have living children. For bereaved parents who have lost their only child, I’m sure the fear resides in losing another loved one, such as a spouse, sibling or parent. I used to be afraid of myself dying. That’s not so much the case anymore. I certainly do not want to leave my husband or children, especially at such a young age, but my fear has now shifted to my living children. If I have lost one child, what’s to say that I won’t lose another?

For some of you, this post is probably a bit uncomfortable. But here’s the deal. We all die. Every creature created by God dies. Plants, animals and humans. We are not exempt. Death is not a topic that people like to discuss. Trust me. Rodger and I have learned this quite well over the past 15 months. But it’s reality.

In the past week, three families have been in the middle of a storm, all of which we are connected to in some way.

A week ago, a family in our church lost their newborn son to a genetic disorder. They found out about his fatal diagnosis at 19 weeks gestation. Baby Jack was born at 38 weeks and lived for three days in the arms of his loving family. What a blessing that they had those hours and days with him!

On Monday, a local 30 year old man went for a run and never returned home. He is a husband, father, son and brother. His body was found yesterday morning. While we do not know this man or his family, we have friends that do. There is also a connection to the town he lived in, for it is the same town where all of our children were born. It is a town similar to where we live now with a strong sense of community among those who live there. The outpouring of love for this man’s family has been amazing to watch.

Just this evening, a friend’s father passed away. His body succumbed to the same disease that took my grandmother. Our friend and his wife are very dear to our hearts and we are saddened by their loss.

It has been a week of sadness and sorrow. Some storms have been brewing for a while. Others came on suddenly with no warning. While we do not know everyone personally who has been involved in these losses this week, they all hit home for various reasons. One common thing about all of the losses this week is that God has been with each one of these families, and they know it. The parents of baby Jack are not personal friends of ours, but from what I have been told, have a very strong faith and have put their trust in God over these past twenty weeks. The family of the missing runner talked openly on camera about their son being at Home with God and how they have relied on their faith to get them through the days of not knowing where their son was. Our friends who are mourning the loss of their father have shown great faith through his illness. They were able to have conversations with their father about God, death and believing because of their strong faith in God.

Has fear been involved in each of these storms? Of course. Has God been present in their lives despite their fear? You bet. Will God calm the storm? Yes, but only He knows when that will happen.

Ever since the conversation with my son about Jesus calming the storm, my biggest fear has subsided … some. My son, who was five at the time (he just celebrated his 6th birthday!!) gave me the assurance that God is with me, always. God knows my fears and He can calm my fears. I have to turn my fears over to Him and trust in Him. I pray that my boys live a long life. If they don’t, I know that God will be with me, just as He was when Kyleigh died.

I have decided to watch God move through this venue by taking the first steps to hold a 5k run & family walk sometime this fall to raise money for the gift & the foundation. We are 1/2 way to funding a sleep sack per baby born at Liberty Hospital given in memory of Kyleigh to promote healthy sleeping habits. We are excited to see where this new opportunity takes us but the goal remains the same. Honor our daughter & glorify our God. Helping others care for their own children is one of the ways that we can do that. I’ll publish more details here as the idea develops but be assured, we are relentless in our pursuits & we’ll get there. We’re seeing firsthand that together, we can accomplish so much!

~Rodg

Our family returned last night from a trip to Colorado. We spent six days enjoying the beauty of nature around us by hiking around Castle Rock, riding a train through the Royal Gorge, watching rock climbers at Garden of the Gods, driving up Pikes Peak, viewing elk in the Rocky Mountain National Park, skipping rocks in creeks, lakes, rivers and waterfalls. Our goal of this trip was to spend as much time outside as possible. I think we achieved our goal!

Being in nature always makes us think of Kyleigh a little bit more. Being surrounded by God’s creation makes us feel just that much closer to her. I have had other people express this to me, as well. There is just something about climbing up a mountain and walking around a huge rock or hiking up a trail and discovering a waterfall, then hiking a little bit further to find the source of that waterfall that makes me feel more connected with God, my family and life. We truly had an amazing trip.

In the first days, weeks and months without Kyleigh, everywhere we went was a reminder that she wasn’t with us. That feeling has faded over time, although I do not think it ever goes away. There were times on our trip where I caught myself thinking, “If Kyleigh were with us she would be …” When I think these thoughts, I have to stop myself. Kyleigh is with us. She may not be physically present, but she is always with us. Sometimes she is a little more present than others …

All of us at Castle Rock

I had a dream early this morning. The boys and I had gone swimming at the community pool and we went into the locker room to get changed. When we walked in, there were two other women and a handful of kids, all sitting at a table. Across from them was a clothes rack filled with fancy dresses. There were signs hanging up all around with the March of Dimes logo. One of the women started talking to me and was explaining a fundraiser they were doing for March of Dimes. The dresses were samples from a children’s consignment shop in a neighboring town. All you had to do was go to the shop, buy a fancy dress for a young girl and part of the proceeds went to March of Dimes. She stopped herself, mid-explanation and said, “But you don’t have to worry about it because you don’t have a girl.” I corrected her and said, “I do have a girl. She passed away at birth.” I went on to start talking about the March of Dimes and how we had just participated in our first March for Babies. She interrupted me with a loud gasp and turned the other way, not speaking to me again. I gathered my things and the boys and I walked out of the locker room. It was at this point that the sounds of Rodger getting ready for work woke me up.

This was a very real dream. No aliens, flying pigs or anything else weird. This was a real life scenario, one that plays over and over in my head.

As I have explored the online baby loss community through blogs, Facebook groups and alike, one of the most popular questions asked is, “How do you respond when someone asks, How many children do you have?” It is a topic that comes up frequently and the answers vary from A to Z every time. I wrote about an experience that I had with a similar situation, here. A blog I follow, Butterfly Dreams, posted about this same topic just recently, Low Blows.

The question of, “How many children do you have?” has been asked very few times of me since Kyleigh’s death. I avoid exposing myself to situations where I would be asked the question because I just don’t know what to say. Shortly after the first of the year, I was invited to a play date. I was under the impression that there were only going to be 3-4 women and their 1.2 children there. By the time we left, there were probably 8-10 women and a ton of kids. I only knew one other mom. Anybody who knows me well knows this is a situation that I would typically avoid and one that makes me most uncomfortable. At one point, most of the moms were in the kitchen and as I walked through I overheard the conversation of “how many kids do you have?”, “are you going to have any more?” … and that was just the beginning. I picked up the pace and walked right on through. I was not about to get stuck in that tornado! It’s not always possible to avoid these types of conversations, but if they involve people I don’t know, you can bet I’m going to do my best.

The scenario of being asked “How many children do you have?” plays over and over in my head.

“I have two boys.”
“These are my boys and they have a sister in heaven.”
“Two boys with me and three babies in heaven.”
“I have three children, two boys and a girl.”
“I have two boys with me and a daughter who is hanging out with Jesus.”

Do you notice the discrepancy in all of my answers? I can be partially truthful and answer with, “two boys.” That is true. But then I deal with the guilt of not including Kyleigh. I can say, “two boys and a girl in heaven.” That is true. But then I leave out our two miscarriages, which is a whole other blog post in itself. I can include all five of my children, but then people get really uncomfortable. I like my last answer, as it is truthful and also provides a little comic relief to an uncomfortable situation.

This same friend that invited me to the play date has also experienced the death of a baby through stillbirth. I have heard her answer the question of, “How many children do you have?” a few times. One time was in response to a child’s grandpa at preschool, the other time was at the play date. Both times, she answered honestly and gracefully. She has a way of including all of her children without making people feel uncomfortable or even in a way that demands a response back from the person asking. I have figured out that it’s not the words that she speaks, but the way that she says it, with confidence. She is not worried about what the other person is going to think or say. She doesn’t get caught up in how she says her answer or wonders if she is answering appropriately. She just says it.

What do you feel is an appropriate answer? Do you or would you get uncomfortable with a person’s answer that includes their deceased child? If you are a bereaved parent, how do you respond?

Even though the question of, “How many children do you have?” has not come up a lot with me, I know it will. My oldest son is getting ready to start Kindergarten. I will be meeting new teachers and new parents. For me, including Kyleigh is the only option. She is a part of our family. I have to let go of what other people think and answer in a way that brings me peace.

“Your boys are just adorable! Do you have any other children?”

“Yes! I have a daughter, Kyleigh, who is waiting for me in heaven.”

If you didn’t see the announcement in my last post, we have obtained the web address, http://kyleighsgift.com for our blog. WordPress will redirect you if you continue to use the blog address, but why not get in the habit of typing in kyleighsgift?! Take a minute to look around, as we have added a few new pages … Kyleigh’s Gift Fund and March for Babies. The blog can also be accessed from a link on the homepage. Tell me what you think and check back often for other updates or new additions to Kyleigh’s webpage!

Speaking of the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund, we have teamed up with a consultant from Thirty-One to offer a fundraiser for The Liberty Hospital Foundation – Kyleigh’s Gift! Instead of retyping everything here, go to the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund page to read about our first project through Kyleigh’s Gift and how you can help by purchasing a Thirty-One Large Utility Tote!

Kyleigh’s Gift can now be found at http://kyleighsgift.com! Don’t worry though, WordPress will redirect you if you continue to use the blog address. Most of the content has stayed the same, but take a minute to check out some of the new features!

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As the month of April approached, I was often asked the question if I was ready for Kyleigh’s birthday. My response was always the same … I’m not sure if there is any way to be ready. I also expressed to some that I had a feeling I would handle her birthday okay. It would be sometime after the fact that it would hit me like a ton of bricks.
Well, I think the bricks have started to fall.

This week has been a hard one. A lot of ups and downs. At one point, I told Rodger I just felt defeated. It hasn’t been one big thing, just a lot of little things put together. I would get excited about opportunities and then they would fall through. The boys play great together one minute and are fighting the next. The boys even had a few physical fights this week, which is a new one at this house. Needless to say, I doubt that will happen again anytime soon. A lot of emotions are also creeping in due to the joy others are experiencing. This is not to say that I am not joyous for them, as well, but some days it’s just so hard to accept the fact that life goes on for everyone. Even us.

The boys have been done with preschool for a month now and I’m already experiencing the summer blahs. I miss our school routine and can’t seem to get into a new groove for summer. Sleeping until 8 a.m. is so much easier when they don’t have to be at school at 9:00. We have a few things we plan for each week, such as story time, but most days we fly by the seat of our pants. I had great aspirations. At one point, I made a list of themes for each week of the summer, full of places to go, movies to watch and books to read. It all sounded great on paper, but putting it into action is a whole other story. I found all kinds of fun kid activities on Pinterest that are just waiting to be done. I keep telling myself, “maybe next week we’ll start our summer routine.” If I don’t get with it, next week is going to be the first week of school. I do well when I have a routine, a schedule to keep and things to get done. When that goes away, I seem to fall apart in all aspects of my life.

Tomorrow marks one year since my grandma passed away. I know that also has a lot to do with how my week has been. Within the past month, we have celebrated Mother’s Day, her birthday and Memorial Day all without her. I handled all of those days pretty well and I guess you could say it has just built up within me and is ready to come out. I miss my grandma so much.

On a happier note, we took the boys to Day Out with Thomas today. It is one of our summer family traditions and this year marked four years of going to ride Thomas the Train. The weather was beautiful and we got to sit in the open-air flatcar, which was so relaxing. The boys had fun playing mini golf, petting the animals, playing trains and exploring a fire truck. I know our years of doing this fun activity are numbered, so I tried to soak up as many memories today as possible. Maybe summer isn’t going to be so bad after all.

Today marks the end of a month … a month of Kyleigh. We started the month by celebrating her birthday and ended it today by walking in the March for Babies, to benefit the March of Dimes. It has been a busy month full of a lot of activities and a lot of emotion. It marks the end of our first year without Kyleigh with us here on Earth. We have been shown lots of love and support over this past month. Now that it’s over, our bodies and minds can rest.

I heard a woman say one time within this past year that the month of June was always a month full of sadness for her because that was the month that her baby died. She talked about how she was in a bad mood throughout most of the month and not any fun to be around. At the time, I was fresh in my grief and thought, “I don’t want to spend the rest of my April’s feeling that way, but that must be what it’s going to be like.”

I now know that doesn’t have to be the case. The month of April is a time to celebrate Kyleigh. It is a time to share her short life here on Earth with others. It is also a time to share what she is doing to change the lives of so many from heaven.

I have a lot to write about from this past month. It will come to you in stages, as I have the energy to write it all down. For now, here is a picture of the Kyleigh’s Gift team … close to 30 people who came to be with us today and walk for Kyleigh!

We walk for Kyleigh ~ Kyleigh’s Gift Team 2013

One year ago tonight I stood next to my husband at the front of a sanctuary that I had been in a thousand times, the sanctuary where we got married. Less than six feet away from me laid my baby girl in a white casket. As I looked up and saw the long line of people who had come to pay their respects, I buried my face in the chest of my husband and cried, “I can’t do this.” I remember it like it was yesterday. The memories of April 17, 2012, the day we held Kyleigh’s visitation, and April 18, 2012, the day of her celebration of life, are clearer to me than the day of her birth and death, April 5, 2012. The memories of her birth day are fuzzy for many reasons and also still pretty traumatic for me to recall. So I try not to. The memories of the days following slowly come into focus the further away I get. The days of April 6-8 are all blurred into one, but I remember specific details. The day of April 9, when I was released from the hospital, plays like a movie in my head. I remember the sequence of events more from that day than any other that I was in the hospital. And it’s not because I was released at 9 a.m. I was there all day, finally being released around 9 p.m. After a 40 minute drive home and then waiting for Rodger to find an open pharmacy, it was after midnight before I had my meds and was in bed. I’m not sure why this day stands out to me so much over the others.

Like the days following Kyleigh’s birthday, the days following me returning home are a mixture of memories. I remember people coming to see us, bringing us food, picking up laundry, but I couldn’t tell you what happened on which day. All of that stops again on April 17 and 18. The details jump out in my mind, but are often hard to put into words. I remember who was first in line at the visitation and who got make-up on Rodger’s suit jacket when they hugged him. I remember my sister being right there the entire time, offering water to drink and tissues for our tears. I remember enough details of Kyleigh’s Celebration of Life to know it was a beautiful service for a beautiful girl. I remember releasing balloons and watching every last one get unstuck from the trees and make their way into the blue sky. I remember not being able to handle talking to people afterwards and excusing myself to go back inside. I remember my doctor lending me a hand as I walked from the car to the gravesite service. I remember who sat with us afterwards at lunch and being humbled by who served us lunch. I remember going home and being exhausted, emotionally and physically.

Fast forward to April 17, 2013 … A lot has happened over the past two weeks. We made it through our first year without Kyleigh being physically with us, for she lives forever in our hearts. We celebrated her birthday with family and friends by our side. We have communicated with the hospital to begin working on how to use the funds in Kyleigh’s Gift. Great things are in the works and I can’t wait to share Kyleigh with all babies born at the birthing center where she was. More on all of this later.

For now, I leave you with a reminder of the beauty that was in the sky the morning of April 18, 2012 …