I rarely go back and read what I have written on this blog. When I do, it’s often because I’m looking for something specific that I wrote and because I can’t remember when I wrote it, I do a simple keyword search. Today’s search turned up this post, Transitions.
I do not remember writing this at all, but it could not have turned up on a more perfect day.
There have been a lot of changes around our house over the past few weeks. I feel like we are entering Transitions Part 2. The original post talks about our oldest son starting kindergarten. He is now in Second Grade and our youngest son started Kindergarten this year. The school year started off just as I described it would two years ago … “Before we know it, our youngest boy will be walking through the doors of elementary school with his older brother showing him to his classroom.” And that’s exactly what happened.
The other reason this post could not have turned up on a more perfect day is because today is the day Kyleigh would have started preschool. I knew this day was coming, I’ve just chosen to block it out of my mind. Until today. Until I see the back to school pictures of children the same age as Kyleigh, some of which she probably would have been in the same class with. It’s a bittersweet experience. I have a lot of friends with children who are three years old and while I don’t think much about it from day to day, it’s days like today when it hits me hard. I tend to not say anything about it, until I publish it to a blog post…oops!, because I don’t want to make people feel sad or even feel sorry for me. That’s not what it’s about. I’m happy for all of the three year old’s starting preschool today and couldn’t be happier that some of them are experiencing this new adventure at the same place that my boys went to preschool. But I’m also sad that I wasn’t taking pictures this morning and fighting for a parking spot among all of the other moms out there.
That’s the thing about pregnancy and infant loss, and losing a child of any age … there are always going to be “firsts” that we miss out on. When a baby dies, there are more missing “firsts” than with an older child, but I believe they all sting just the same. They come and go like waves. When Kyleigh died, we got a card from someone who had walked this journey before us. They mentioned that their daughter would have turned 18 that year and would have graduated from high school. At the time of Kyleigh’s death, we couldn’t think past the moment, let alone think ahead 18 years. The milestones are always there. The “firsts” are always missed. But it showed us that they are never forgotten.
The beginning of the school year has always been difficult for me since Kyleigh passed away. The emptiness of the house was always deafening. Nothing is worse than a quiet house when there is supposed to be a baby crying or the sound of little feet learning to walk across the floor. This year was not as hard. The boys were very excited to start school and I have someone to keep me company at home now.
For everyone missing someone this school year, I wish you comfort and peace, even as you think about the “firsts” that you will never have with your loved one. For everyone sending little (or big) feet off to school this year, I wish you a year full of success and happiness as you experience the “firsts” with your loved one.