Dear Kyleigh,

It has been one month since you left us to be with Jesus. It has been the fastest month of our lives, as well as the slowest. The days drag on and on, but as a whole, the past month has flown by. Much like the way it does when someone has a baby and gets to bring them home from the hospital. I don’t remember much from the first month of Oliver or Garrison’s lives, as I was in a fog from lack of sleep and being overwhelmed by motherhood. I don’t remember much about your first month in heaven, as I am in a fog from being overwhelmed by my new title “a mother who has lost a child.”

We brought you flowers today and are doing what we can to enjoy the day at home with your brothers. We love you and we miss you. Happy One Month Birthday, my sweet baby girl!!

Love,

Mommy

All this week I’ve been intrigued by the shortest verse in the Bible. It’s just two words – “Jesus wept.” (John 11:35)

Let me begin with a quick note to my brothers and sisters in the faith. I cannot tell you how valuable it has been for me to recall various passages from Scripture at different times as I’m learning to cope over these past few weeks. Please take a few seconds to memorize this verse. If you’re not good at memorizing Scripture, or you just don’t know where to start, this is a pretty easy one. There are only two words, and the meaning is extremely clear. Jesus wept.

So let’s consider him weeping. The rub of-course is that when we meet a man today, especially one whom we consider to be particularly masculine, we would never expect him to weep. It makes us uncomfortable to see a grown man weeping, whatever the reason. Regardless how deep his pain, or how difficult his experiences or situation may be, there’s no excuse to see him weeping. At least, that’s what our world would have us believe.

So what about Jesus? The Bible teaches in John 1:3 and Colossians 1:16 that Jesus, the Son of God, was the person of the Trinity that actually spoke creation into existence. If you’ve read the Chronicles of Narnia, I think C. S. Lewis did a fabulous job of describing this in the first book in that series, The Magicians Nephew, although it pales in comparison to the creation account in Scripture…provided you let the words mean what they say. He created everything for Himself, and it’s by Him that all things are held together….He sustains everything. Our hopes, dreams, aspirations, relationships, professions, educations, families, churches…all for Him.

Jesus is described physically in Isaiah 53, saying that He would have “no appearance that we should be attracted to Him” and that He would be a “man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” His appearance changes at the time of His second coming, described in Revelation 1. At that time His glory shall be fully revealed, but in the mean time, the time in which we inhabit today, this little verse in the Gospel of John helps to reveal His heart.

Jesus wept because He saw the pain that His friends were experiencing. He saw Mary, paused long enough to listen to her and shared in her grief even though He knew full well that He was on His way to alleviate the very source of her grief. His heart hurt because her heart hurt and as a result, He wept. There’s nothing unmanly about that. He demonstrated how we are to respond as people created in His image and renewed by His blood. He shows us what it means to have the “new heart” that was promised in Ezekiel 36:26 and to let ourselves be vulnerable to the point where we can share in the grief of our fellow man. It allows us to come alongside someone in pain and tell them, I’m here for you. Whenever you need, and for as long as you need. I hurt with you and I hurt for you. I weep.

As with so many things, I thought I knew this passage before Kyleigh departed this world one month ago to the day. Now sure, I understood that Jesus wept because His friends hurt, but I didn’t know what that felt like. I do now.

I learned today of the tragic loss of another infant child. A child who lived the appointed days that were ordained for him (Ps 139:16) yet it’s too soft to say that my heart breaks for his family. I hurt. I feel it physically in my gut, as if stabbed all over again in the very spot I felt it when I knew that Kyleigh was gone. I hurt not just because it causes me to think about her yet again (as if she’s ever too far from my thoughts), but I hurt because of the grief that this child’s parents must feel at this moment. I wish I could go to them. I wish I could sit with them. I wish I could weep with them. Yet, what I cannot do in their presence, I can do in His presence and I can rest assured that He is likewise doing for them. Jesus weeps.

~Rodg

Not long after we woke up on the morning of April 6, the phone in our hospital room rang. It was early, 7:30 a.m. or so, and it had barely been 12 hours since Kyleigh had passed away. I was still very heavily drugged and did not know a lot of the details of what had happened the day before. Rodger answered the phone and I could tell it was not only someone that we did not know, but was someone with a lot of questions and needing answers. He talked for several minutes and then hung up. What he said to me next was something I didn’t have to think twice about … “There are two babies who need heart valves. Do we want to donate Kyleigh’s valves?”

My immediate response was, “How could we not?” There was no discussion, for we both felt the same. We could not stand the thought of another family going through what we were experiencing. We had to donate Kyleigh’s heart valves.

After more conversations and answering a lot of questions by phone, we gave the Midwest Transplant Network permission to harvest Kyleigh’s heart valves.

We learned today that the process of tissue donation is much different then organ donation. We do not know the results of Kyleigh’s tissue donation. All we know now is that they were able to harvest at least one heart valve. It could be several months before we know if her valves were actually usable and if there was a successful match. We pray that Kyleigh will be able to give the gift of life to another child.

Throughout the five days that I was in the hospital, I learned more about what happened to not only Kyleigh, but also to myself. One thing I learned is that Kyleigh and I both received blood. Everything imaginable was done to try to get Kyleigh to respond, even a blood transfusion. Nothing worked. Kyleigh was not meant to live here on Earth, only in Heaven. During my surgery, I received one unit of blood. It is a miracle that I did not need more, based on what was going on inside my body.

At some point in time, two or more people gave blood. Their blood was used to try to save Kyleigh’s life and to heal my body. I will never know who those people are. I am forever grateful and blessed by their selflessness.

I am an organ donor. It is marked on my driver’s license, but more importantly, my family knows my wishes.

I have never given blood. I don’t like needles and the sight of blood is not one I care to see. I think I can suck it up a few times a year to give someone else the gift of life. I will give blood and everytime I do, I will think of my sweet baby girl.

What will you do to give the gift of life?

Midwest Transplant Network

Donate Life

Community Blood Center – Greater Kansas City

Below are the words that were spoken at Kyleigh’s celebration in the church where Leann and I were married and reflect a few of the things that I learned from Kyleigh in the days immediately following her birth. If in fact the Christian life is best described as a walk from re-birth (John 3) to the time we enter into His glory, then I can say for certain the Kyleigh has helped me progress along this route. Certainly I would have chosen otherwise; I would rather hold my daughter and touch her face just one more time tonight then type these words.  But that is not the path provided to me.

We continue to hear stories of how she is changing lives. She certainly continues to change mine. My prayer is that I’ll continue to be receptive to how this tragic event will influence otherwise to make that choice of eternal significance.

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Most fathers get to give their daughter’s their first bath, sooth their first cries, and feel their heart beat as they rock them to sleep.  But not I.

Most fathers get to hear their daughter’s first words, see their first steps, and buy their first dress. But not I.

Most get to send them to school, intimidate their boyfriends, and walk them down the aisle. But not I.

As hard as this is to think about, the gift that Kyleigh has given me is not one of “have not’s”, rather it’s one that I believe few father’s ever receive.  Give me a few moments while I try to tell you about what my daughter did for me in the excruciatingly brief time that I had with her. Let me tell you about the Author of Life, and how He continues to shine bright in this darkness. You see, Scripture is full of beautiful words, words that before April 5^th I thought I knew, and while the words certainly haven’t changed, there is now an experience that our family has shared which illuminates those very same words in a new and deeper way.

You must understand that I’ve seen God’s magnificent hands at work more tangibly over the past few weeks orchestrating events better than I ever thought possible. From shared experiences at precise times so vivid in my memory it’s as if they are etched in stone, to the caring hands of nurses and staff to the skillful hands of the cities finest doctor, it refines what it means to suggest as the Scripture says that “God causes all things to work together for good for those who love God.”  And while I have always been fond of this passage because I am a guy that doesn’t need to know all the answers, there’s something different here this time. You can say God causes all things to work together for good and offer that to someone in their time of sorrow. I think of it as a present with crisp, sharp lines and a tidy bow on top. I’m thinking of real professional packaging here, no flaws, no mistakes: it’s the perfect gift that borders on the line of a vague platitude when not offered with true compassion.

So what happens when the trials of life put that Scripture to the test? What happens when that bow on that tidy package is a muted yellow and tied to one of the locks in your daughters’ hair?  Do I still find rest knowing that God causes all things to work together for good? Strangely, I can’t think of any other way in a time such as this.

Let me tell you that God used Kyleigh to move my faith from believing what is true to knowing what is true. It’s a subtle, seemingly insignificant change, yet its impact is profound. While the assurance that I used to have permitted the existence of doubt, not so anymore. I know beyond a shadow of any doubt that in the midst of our struggle, at the exact moment that I walked through the valley of the presence of death, that the Source of all light was the guide unto my path.

Let me tell you that God used Kyleigh to change my marriage from one that loves and cherishes until death do us part, to one that transcends even the experience of death. Something new is created when the bonds of matrimony are spoken and two flesh become one. As we as individuals can grow in our relationship with God, so too can we as one married flesh continue to grow. What is true of the temporal must also be true of for the eternal. Mine is a family of seven: three in heaven and four right here in this lovely place where it all began for Leann and I twelve years ago in this very room. What a sweet and joyous reunion it will be when all of our laughter is restored under one roof.

All I can figure is that these gifts that Kyleigh gave me must seem confusing to those in the darkness. But I know that I honor my daughter and I bring glory to the Lord Jesus when her story is retold and we share just a sliver of how much she changed our world even though she never took a breath. She gave me and everyone she encountered the ability to experience what the Bible calls the “peace that surpasses all comprehension.”  And for that, I’ll be grateful for the rest of this life, and all of the next.

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One of my goals of this blog is to make the content constructive to Kyleigh. Right now, a lot of my thoughts are the opposite of that. That is why I have not posted anything in the past few days. I am frustrated, mad, overwhelmed and sad. I am tired of people asking me how I am and am tired of people telling me I look good. I’m not okay, even though this is my typical response. I don’t want to look good at almost 4 weeks post-op. I want to look exhausted from being up all night with a 4 week old baby. But I digress, as these comments are not constructive to the memory of my baby girl. I’m not here to complain. I’m here to honor Kyleigh. And that is what the following letter is all about … honoring my daughter.

This is the letter that I wrote to Kyleigh and had read by an amazing friend at Kyleigh’s Celebration of Life.

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My Dearest Kyleigh,

The word ‘alive’ has so many different meanings to me now.

You were alive inside of me from before I even knew you were there. In the early weeks and months of your life, you made me tired and caused me to drink lots of chocolate milk, but never gave me morning sickness. You showed us your heartbeat  at 9 weeks gestation.  You were alive.

You were alive as you grew, making my belly grow along with you. Your brother, Oliver, began to notice the changes in me and told me by belly was going to get so big that it would pop like a balloon. He told me this around the middle of my pregnancy … he had no idea just how big Mommy would get! I felt you move around 17 weeks gestation. You were alive.

You were alive when you heard the loving voices of your brothers. Almost every morning, Oliver would kiss my belly and say “good morning new baby.” Often times, I would feel movement, if even the slightest, after he had told you hello. He asked me several times to let him know when I felt you kick so he could feel it too. He was excited to meet you and couldn’t wait to be a big brother again. Garrison often lifted my shirt to talk to you through my “baby button,” as he calls it. He would say “how are you today, new baby?” “love you, new baby” or ask me “new baby coming yet?” as he peered inside my belly button. He loved to go into “new baby’s room” and play with the toys that were to be yours. I found him rocking in the rocking chair one day looking at a book and I knew that he was going to be just as good of a big brother to you as Oliver has been to him. You were alive.

You were alive on screen. As the pregnancy came closer and closer to the end, your Daddy and I had the unending joy of seeing you on a large flat screen T.V. through sonogram more than a half dozen times. We saw your ears, feet, arms, hands and belly. We saw all the hair on your head (yes, sonograms are so good these days that you can see hair!). I just knew when I saw all that hair that I was finally getting my dark, curly haired girl. We saw your beautiful face and your perfectly curved spine. We saw you breath, flip and kick. We saw you awake. We saw you sleeping. We saw you alive. You were alive.

You were alive inside of me for nine months. I kept you safe and warm. I felt your movements, I saw your heartbeat. Part of your heart is now keeping another baby alive. You are alive.

You are alive with Jesus. He caught you in his arms and took you home. You are alive in heaven and I can’t wait until the day that I can see your beautiful, dark, curly hair next to mine. You never took a breath outside of me, but nobody can say you didn’t live. You are alive, Kyleigh, you are alive!

I love you. Mommy

We moved just over 7 months ago. Before we moved, Oliver was wanting to get some fish. One fish, to be exact. Our neighbors had two fish and Oliver was asked to feed them a few times when they were out of town. He thought it was so cool to have that responsibility and wanted to do the same at home. He wanted one fish in a small bowl for his room. Since we were trying to sell our house, we told him that after we moved we would get him some fish. I found a small fish bowl at a garage sale and planned on filling it with 1-2 fish after the move.

Plans changed. We found out we were pregnant three days after we sold our house. I spent the next month packing and preparing to move in between naps and chocolate milk cravings. It was a whirlwind month and the next several months were just as crazy. We got the essentials unpacked, but left a lot of boxes untouched, as I just didn’t have the energy to mess with it. As my pregnancy progressed, there was less and less I felt like doing. Oliver reminded us a few times about getting fish, but it was the last thing on our minds. I was preparing my mind to take care of three children and a dog. Not three children, a dog and fish that I knew would end up floating at the top of the fish bowl if I didn’t make sure they got fed. Therefore, the fish never came to be.

Rodger woke up Wednesday morning with the idea that we were going to get some fish. And not just one fish in a little bowl. We surprised the boys yesterday by taking them to the pet store. We walked out with a 56 gallon fish tank. The boys got to pick out fish decor … a few brightly colored plants, a draw bridge, a rather large volcano and a cave. They got to help rinse the rock, fill the tank with water and turn on the bubbles. In a few days, we will return to the petstore to purchase the fish.

I was not expecting to buy a 56 gallon tank. I also was not expecting to spend the amount of money that we did and we don’t even have fish yet. Yet, when we were done putting everything together yesterday, I felt a great sense of accomplishment and relief. We did something for the boys that they had been wanting for a long time. We did something together as a family without too many tears or two year old fits. The boys are proud of the work they did in helping set it up and I know they will take good care of their fish. We made new memories as a family.

I did not expect Kyleigh to die. Who goes into the hospital to have a baby, especially when everyone involved is healthy, and think they would ever walk out empty handed? Not me. A lot of things happen in life that we do not expect. I did not expect setting up a fish tank to be such good therapy. I can’t wait to buy some fish so I can sit and watch them swim and think of my sweet Kyleigh.

It has been 20 days since Kyleigh went to be with Jesus. One week since we had her celebration. People ask how we are doing. My response is that we are functioning. I do not like to use the word “normal” because our life will never be normal again. A lot of people refer to having a “new normal.” I don’t even like that phrase. We are functioning … we get up in the morning, we eat, we take care of our boys, we go to bed at night. There is still an immense feeling of sadness in our house. I don’t know when that will go away. I’m in no rush, but I know the boys, especially Oliver, pick up on that and it affects their behavior. At some point, we will move on, but life will never be normal again.

Oliver asked if we could bake a cake for Kyleigh’s birthday. Absolutely! I don’t think he understands that it will be a whole year from now before we celebrate Kyleigh’s birthday, but it makes my heart happy that he thought of it and wants to celebrate her birth. Other people, like the government, do not acknowledge her birth, but that is a whole other post that I’m sure you will read about some day. Oliver and I talked about eating cake and releasing balloons again on Kyleigh’s first birthday. He was excited. It made me excited. Our baby girl has been gone for 20 days and her big brother is already planning her birthday party. That lifts some of the sadness. Mark April 5, 2013, on your calendar. We are going to have a big party!

It’s been a rough day. Sometimes it’s the simple things that make it all better …

A phone call from my hair stylist to tell me she’s still praying for us.

A text from my sister telling me she loves me.

My day is better now.

Today was the first day that we have not received a sympathy card in the mail. They have stuffed our mailbox over the past two weeks. We have received cards from loved ones, friends of friends, co-workers, neighbors, friends from high school, our parents’ friends and people we don’t even know. It is overwhelming to sit down and read them all, yet they bring us such a sense of peace.

One of the cards we received last week was from one of Oliver’s teachers at school. She wrote in it that they were talking in music class about how God has a plan for each of them. Oliver spoke up and said that God had a plan for his sister but she didn’t get to stay here. On Sunday, Oliver’s preschool had “Preschool Sunday” at church. One of the songs they sang had the words “God has a plan for you and me.” Oliver had been singing it at home prior to Sunday, along with “Jesus Loves Me.” It brought tears to my eyes to listen to him sing these songs. He is four years old and fully understands both of these songs and the message they provide us.

God does have a plan. We don’t know what it is. We don’t always like what it is. God did not want Kyleigh to die any more then we did. As much as we don’t like what happened, it was part of the plan. There is nothing we could have done to stop it. Some will disagree with me on this, but that is our (Rodger and I’s) theology. Some day, we will understand God’s plan. Whether that happens this side of heaven or not, we do not know. All we do know is that Kyleigh is perfect in heaven. She knows no pain. She never cried any tears. She is happy and whole. It sure wasn’t our plan, but it was God’s plan.

Oliver and I talked about this after we got home from church. He understands that God’s plan was for Kyleigh to go to heaven and be with Jesus where He loves all of the us. Oliver understands that some day, he will be with his sister in heaven. He knows that right now, God’s plan is for him to be here on Earth with us.

Jesus loves me, this I know

For the  Bible tells me so.

Little ones to Him belong,

They are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me!

Yes, Jesus loves me!

Yes, Jesus loves me!

The Bible tells me so.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I am not a fan of Hillary Clinton. But I do agree with her … it takes a village. We are not meant to do this alone.

Grammy and Pa took the boys for the night last night and it was refreshing to have some time with just Rodger and I. We spent the evening talking with a dear friend, one who knows when to just listen and knows when to support us with words. It was nice to sleep in this morning and talk on the phone with another wonderful friend as Rodger fixed me breakfast. She called to see how we are all doing and always knows just the right words to say. Never pushy or in your face, just there when you need her.

After a quiet morning, the boys came home and we all went to the Kite Festival. Two friends, along with their children, went with us. They sat and watched the kites with us in silence. They took the boys to walk around and do the kid activities. They talked about Kyleigh. They were there to love and comfort our children when honestly, we couldn’t.

This evening, friends who live 40+ minutes away dropped off dinner. The boys played outside with neighbor friends who ended up sharing our meal with us. Again, people were there to talk, listen and love on us.

At least two other people offered to help us today. We had to turn them down because we already knew we had the help. They understood and didn’t take offense to being told no.

Our day was filled with people who love us and love our boys. Whether it was a phone call or their presence, they supported us and let us know that they were there for us. Some dropped everything to just sit with us, while others gave up their time to be there for the boys. It takes a village. Not just to raise children, but to make it through life. I know those that were there for us these past two days are going to be there for us for life. I don’t have to name names, they know who they are. And they know that we love and appreciate all that they do for our family.