This year marks our 5th Christmas without Kyleigh. It’s hard to believe that we have celebrated five Christmas’ without her. Each year has brought both joy and sadness, but through it all, we continue to include Kyleigh in our celebrations and hold to the traditions that we started in 2012.

On Christmas Day, we took some fresh flowers to the cemetery. It was unseasonably warm that day and with that comes strong winds. There was also a chance of rain, with possible thunderstorms, which made for the occasional dark cloud on what was a bright, sunny day. Sometimes the clouds against the sun make for some pretty significant shapes, especially at the cemetery.

One thing about the cemetery that brings a smile to my face is the reaction that Kyleigh’s little sister has when we go. At two years old, she doesn’t understand what the cemetery is or why we are there. She goes with the wonder of a young child looking at pretty flowers and running around in wide open spaces. To her, it is a happy place, for she knows no different. As we were walking back to the car, she started dancing around in the wind. It was the perfect way to bring a smile to our faces.

One of our Christmas traditions for Kyleigh is decorating a separate Christmas tree with ornaments that are specific to her. You might think that’s hard to do for a baby that passed away at birth, but we continue to be amazed year after year by how much the ornaments fit Kyleigh’s story. This year, we placed her tree just below her stocking and in between the fireplace and the beautiful cabinet that now holds several of our mementos of Kyleigh. The two ornaments added this year include one with butterfly and angel buttons, handmade by Kyleigh’s grammy and an angel ornament with the word ‘Love.’ After 5 years, her tree is really starting to fill up! Looking at all of the ornaments and how they fit into Kyleigh’s story brings a smile to our faces.

We continue to fill Kyleigh’s stocking with socks for Blair’s Foster Socks. The socks are getting bigger and bigger each year, as we try to match the size of the socks to Kyleigh’s age. Blair’s Foster Socks continues to bless many children year after year. We hope that these socks will bring a smile to the face of many little girls in 2017!

The last part of Kyleigh’s 5th Christmas brought a lot of smiles and a few tears. Kyleigh’s aunt gave us the gift of a beautiful painting of Kyleigh’s heartbeat by Moxie Muse Design. We had heard of these heartbeat paintings, but thought they could only be done if the artist had a recording of the heartbeat from a sonogram. Since we did not have this, we never pursued having a painting done. A few months ago, we learned that the artist can use a sonogram image to get the heartbeat. My sister gathered the necessary information and took it from there. We were surprised to receive the finished painting as a Christmas gift to our family. It is absolutely beautiful and one of the most special gifts we have ever received!

As a side note, Moxie Muse Design offers custom sound wave and heartbeat paintings and donated a sound wave painting to the raffle at the 3rd Annual Kyleigh’s Gift Run/Walk. These paintings make wonderful gifts!

The holidays are such a difficult time for so many people. While we continue to have our low moments, we can say after 5 years that the smiles outnumber the tears at Christmas. This is a good feeling to have. It’s not a big deal when we’re late for Christmas dinner because we stopped at the cemetery beforehand. We get notifications from family and friends that donations were made to the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund for Christmas. Loved ones add ornaments to her Christmas tree. Gifts are given that hold a piece of Kyleigh. A lot of these smiles come about from the traditions we have set in place and how those around us support those traditions.

Happy Holidays from our family to yours!

It’s been over six months since we’ve updated this blog and website. But that doesn’t mean it’s been quiet around here. Quite the opposite is true! The Kyleigh’s Gift Fund is exploding with new ideas, more programs and lots of support! I will touch on those later, but for now, here’s a quick bit about the blog…

This blog is instrumental in our healing process, but just like everything else, it’s work. In the early days after Kyleigh passed away, sitting down at the computer and furiously typing was therapeutic. Our minds were racing with so many thoughts and emotions, and while blogging seemed the opposite of what two very private people would do, we quickly realized it was what we needed to get our minds to slow down and process what was happening.

After a year or so, the writing slowed down. The thoughts were still there, but let’s face it…life does continue to happen and we wanted to be a part of it. Our older children were growing up, starting school, becoming interested in activities and we had to be present in all of that. Kyleigh continued to always be a presence in our thoughts, but the healing that took place from our early writings led to more pauses. We also began to work through many of the thoughts and emotions in our minds while doing daily activities…cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry are great times to have internal conversations! Many of these thoughts never made it to paper because we often worked through them before we had a chance to sit down and write.

Two years later, Kyleigh’s baby sister came along and well…a new baby in the house doesn’t lend itself to sitting down at the computer for more than five minutes at a time. This was a time of transition for our family in many ways. A lot of emotions surrounded all of us with a new pregnancy. Many of those emotions carried with us through the pregnancy and birth. I have read several pregnancy loss blogs that take a huge turn away from grief and loss when a new baby is on the way. It then becomes all about that new child in the family, and while that may be the intent of some writers, that is not what we wanted to happen here. The blog essentially went dark during this time as we didn’t think it was fair to those who were grieving a loss to hear all about a new baby. And again, let’s face it, there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything we want to.

Somewhere between that first and second year, we turned to Facebook and started the Kyleigh’s Gift FB Page. It was, and continues to be, the easiest way for us to get information out there about the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund, share our feelings and emotions throughout the year, and continue to honor Kyleigh through holidays, life events, etc.  We would log in to the blog every six months or so and post important updates, mainly about Kyleigh’s Birthday Diaper Drive and the Kyleigh’s Gift 5K/3K. Both have produced tremendous results that I hope to share with you soon.

I personally started to struggle with the blog after a period of time. I became almost obsessed (and I’m not kidding) about watching the stats. How many people viewed the website this week? How many people read the latest blog? Did anyone comment? How many times was the post shared? It became upsetting to me if we took the time to write or update the website and only a handful of people viewed it. I knew the purpose of sharing Kyleigh’s story was not this, but with the technology made available to us today, it was so easy to get sucked in to the “numbers.” This certainly attributed to backing off of the blog and having the distractions of daily life made it easier to set it down for awhile.

So why the sudden return? Well, I can’t say for sure that this is a true return to blogging, but I do hope to keep the site updated. Like I mentioned above, so many wonderful things are happening with the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund and this is a great way to document all that is taking place. One of my favorite blog posts that I’ve done is the 2013 Year in Review. I wish that I had kept doing this. I tried the next year, but because we had posted so few things to the website, it was hard. Scrolling through a years worth of Facebook posts is not easy! Maybe I will make that my goal this year, as it’s a great way to catch everyone up on what is going on.

At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. My children are my full-time job and that includes Kyleigh. There are times throughout the year where the mental exhaustion is just as strong as the physical. We spend 5-6 months getting ready for the Kyleigh’s Gift 5K/3K and when it’s all done, we are just as mentally exhausted as we are physically. So many emotions go into an event like that and when it’s all done, we honestly just need a break.

My hope is to continue with the Kyleigh’s Gift Page while slowly starting to reintroduce this website/blog. You certainly won’t see me on here everyday like some bloggers, but I’ll do my best to add this back in to my full-time job.

We’re doing it again!

Kyleigh’s Gift Diaper Drive, 2015

Last year, we celebrated Kyleigh’s 3rd birthday by hosting a Diaper Drive. It was such a great success, that we decided to do it again this year to celebrate her 4th birthday. Over 7,000 diapers were donated last year…from family, friends and many people we have never met. We came home to find boxes of diapers on our front porch from neighbors, local friends and the UPS man. The furthest package that we’re aware of came all the way from California! Many donated anonymously, but we also received several notes tucked away in the boxes wishing Kyleigh a happy birthday in heaven.

Here is information on this years Diaper Drive:

In honor of Kyleigh’s 4th Birthday, we are hosting a Diaper Drive to benefit HappyBottoms.org. The diaper drive will begin on Tuesday, April 5, Kyleigh’s birthday, and will end on Saturday, April 23.

One in five Kansas City area children lives in poverty. Diapers remain an area of need for those struggling to provide for their children. Help us collect diapers of all sizes, from newborn to Pull-Ups! All diapers will be donated to HappyBottoms, a local diaper bank.

How can you donate? Here are three ways:

1) Drop off diapers at our house. If we are not home, please leave them on the front porch. If you do not know where we live, please refer to option #2 or #3.

2) Order diapers from the Kyleigh’s Gift Amazon Wish List. Diapers will be shipped directly to our house when you choose the Kyleigh’s Gift shipping address. You can access the wish list here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/?ie=UTF8&cid=A3FCVKXC08OWGR

3) Drop off diapers at Liberty Hospital. A drop off area will be available inside the front hospital entrance by the information desk.

Thank you for helping us remember our baby girl on her 4th Birthday!

Learn more:
Happy Bottoms: http://www.happybottoms.org/
Kyleigh’s Gift on Facebook                                                                                                                    Liberty Hospital Foundation~Kyleigh’s Gift Fund: http://www.libertyhospitalfoundation.org

**Please note that this is not an actual event that you attend. The dates of the event denote the days that we are collecting diapers and you may donate at any time during those dates.

I rarely go back and read what I have written on this blog. When I do, it’s often because I’m looking for something specific that I wrote and because I can’t remember when I wrote it, I do a simple keyword search. Today’s search turned up this post, Transitions.

I do not remember writing this at all, but it could not have turned up on a more perfect day.

There have been a lot of changes around our house over the past few weeks. I feel like we are entering Transitions Part 2. The original post talks about our oldest son starting kindergarten. He is now in Second Grade and our youngest son started Kindergarten this year. The school year started off just as I described it would two years ago … “Before we know it, our youngest boy will be walking through the doors of elementary school with his older brother showing him to his classroom.” And that’s exactly what happened.

Back to School ~ 2015

The other reason this post could not have turned up on a more perfect day is because today is the day Kyleigh would have started preschool. I knew this day was coming, I’ve just chosen to block it out of my mind. Until today. Until I see the back to school pictures of children the same age as Kyleigh, some of which she probably would have been in the same class with. It’s a bittersweet experience. I have a lot of friends with children who are three years old and while I don’t think much about it from day to day, it’s days like today when it hits me hard. I tend to not say anything about it, until I publish it to a blog post…oops!, because I don’t want to make people feel sad or even feel sorry for me. That’s not what it’s about. I’m happy for all of the three year old’s starting preschool today and couldn’t be happier that some of them are experiencing this new adventure at the same place that my boys went to preschool. But I’m also sad that I wasn’t taking pictures this morning and fighting for a parking spot among all of the other moms out there.

That’s the thing about pregnancy and infant loss, and losing a child of any age … there are always going to be “firsts” that we miss out on. When a baby dies, there are more missing “firsts” than with an older child, but I believe they all sting just the same. They come and go like waves. When Kyleigh died, we got a card from someone who had walked this journey before us. They mentioned that their daughter would have turned 18 that year and would have graduated from high school. At the time of Kyleigh’s death, we couldn’t think past the moment, let alone think ahead 18 years. The milestones are always there. The “firsts” are always missed. But it showed us that they are never forgotten.

The beginning of the school year has always been difficult for me since Kyleigh passed away. The emptiness of the house was always deafening. Nothing is worse than a quiet house when there is supposed to be a baby crying or the sound of little feet learning to walk across the floor. This year was not as hard. The boys were very excited to start school and I have someone to keep me company at home now.

Kyleigh’s little sister

For everyone missing someone this school year, I wish you comfort and peace, even as you think about the “firsts” that you will never have with your loved one. For everyone sending little (or big) feet off to school this year, I wish you a year full of success and happiness as you experience the “firsts” with your loved one.

It happened again. Someone I just met asked me how many children I have. I hate it when this happens. Not because I’m afraid to speak her name. Because the response is always so unpredictable. But is it? Don’t most people either stare in silence, not knowing what to say, or mutter, “I’m sorry,” and then turn away or change the subject? Very few times will this new acquaintance engage in a conversation about her. In fact, most often, the person will not even engage in conversation about my living children once I have mentioned her name. Even when they are asking other people around me about their children. It’s almost as if I fall off the map, out of their radar, once I mention her name. 

But you see, I have to include her. I have to say her name. Not just because she’s my child. Not just because I love her. Because she is making a difference. Her name is embroidered on SleepSacks. Her name is the title of a 5K. Her name was written about in a recent newspaper article. Her name means something. Why would I keep her name quiet?

For me not to say her name, not to include her alongside her siblings, would almost be hypocritical. I created a fund in her name, but I’m afraid to tell people about her? I admit, in the early days, weeks, months and even the first year, it was hard to speak her name to new people. I was too sensitive to the reaction from others. Unfortunately, I’m growing accustomed to people’s reactions and I’m the one caught off guard when they respond with interest. It was easier to not say her name and forgive myself later, than to speak her name and fall apart emotionally. Something in me has changed. I want to speak her name. I want to tell people about her and all the wonderful things her name is doing.

I know it makes people uncomfortable. I know it catches people off guard. Someday, our society will move past the uncomfortableness of death. Someday, I will speak her name to someone new and they will say, “Tell me about Kyleigh.” 

In honor of Kyleigh’s 3rd Birthday, we are hosting a Diaper Drive to benefit HappyBottoms.org. The diaper drive begins today and will end on Sunday, April 5, Kyleigh’s 3rd birthday.

One in five Kansas City area kids lives in poverty. Diapers remain an area of need for those struggling to provide for their children. Help us collect diapers of all sizes, from newborn to Pull-Ups! All diapers will be donated to Happy Bottoms, a local diaper bank.

How can you donate? Here are two ways:

1) Drop off diapers at our house. If we are not home, please leave them on the front porch with a note telling us who they are from. If you do not know where we live, please refer to option #2.

2) Order diapers from the Kyleighs Gift Amazon Wish List. Diapers will be shipped directly to our house when you choose the Kyleigh’s Gift shipping address. You can access the wish list here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/?ie=UTF8&cid=A3FCVKXC08OWGR

Thank you for helping us remember our baby girl on her 3rd Birthday!

Learn more:
Happy Bottoms: http://www.happybottoms.org/
Kyleigh’s Gift

**Please note that this is not an actual event that you attend. The dates of the event denote the days that we are collecting diapers and you may donate at any time during those dates.

**This is a stand alone event sponsored by our family and is not connected to the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund through the Liberty Hospital Foundation.

On June 30, 2013, I wrote about our decision to create an event to raise money for Kyleigh’s fund at the Liberty Hospital Foundation. We had already launched the sleep sack project, and while the cost is very affordable at $7 per blanket, when the volume of births is factored in, we knew that our limited resources would not be enough to continue past the initial purchase. There would need to be something, some way by which we could engage the community to continue to provide this valuable service to all newborns at the hospital. We took the initial steps to start the project by depleting all available money from the fund for a 6-month commitment to the program. I recall wishing that we had the money for a full year, but that wasn’t the case and rather than inaction, we felt it was better to get started and trust that someday, by some other means, there would be enough resources to continue the program. Following the trend of other charitable organizations, we decided that a 5K run/walk was the answer.

The fund’s purpose is to educate parents and provide them with tools to do as much as we can to prevent this shadow of grief from falling on other families, while at the same time to remember and honor Kyleigh. The blog compliments this by giving us a venue to express ourselves in a way that glorifies God, and allows us to record our actions and emotions for remembrance and retrospect. Someday our children will ask how we managed ourselves, and I hope this will give them a piece of understanding.

In two weeks’ time we will hold the first annual run/walk for the fund in conjunction with the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day of October 15, and to celebrate 25 years of the Birthing Center on the grounds at Liberty Hospital. You can read more about the event and register to participate here. In our initial meetings, we hoped to raise another 6-months operating expense for the sleep sack program, or about $4000. The response has been overwhelming. One of my favorite gifts so far is the $404 raised by a local church during their summer VBS program. With two weeks to go, over 100 participants have registered. Rain or shine, it’s going to be a beautiful evening.

We are seeing something miraculous happening because of Kyleigh in our home and in our community. Life is full of choices. Choose life and be amazed at the possibilities.

~Rodg

On Friday, June 13, 2014, we had the honor of speaking at the Sixth Annual Twilight at the Treehouse, which benefits the Liberty Hospital Foundation. Each year, one program or service within the Foundation is highlighted. This year, the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund was selected. The event took place outside on the hospital grounds and included a wine toss game, photo booth, basket raffle and a delicious BBQ buffet. We really had no idea what to expect, as we had never been to the event before, so we were quite blown away at the 300+ people in attendance. It is by far the largest audience that we have ever had in sharing Kyleigh’s story. The event raised over $50,000 for programs and services within the Liberty Hospital Foundation, with $1,300 going directly to the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund courtesy of the wine toss proceeds! That is enough to fund 185 sleep sacks … and give us a jump start on the 1st Annual Kyleigh’s Gift 5K/3K!!

Below are the words that we spoke that evening, along with a few pictures …

“When Rodger and I created the Kyleigh’s Gift fund just over two years ago, I had people ask me why we named it ‘Kyleigh’s Gift.’ At the time, I honestly did not know. We wanted to use her name without it sounding too formal, but needed another word to go along with ‘Kyleigh.’ We were receiving gifts from many people in the form of food, cards and flowers, so when I thought of the word ‘gift,’ it just fit.

A gift is something that is freely given to you, or something that you give to someone else. Our daughter, Kyleigh Elizabeth Weller, passed away at birth on April 5, 2012. She is by far one of our greatest gifts. Kyleigh teaches Rodger and I, along with her older brothers, about love and loss on a daily basis. Our marriage was made stronger, when some told us it would fall apart, because of our daughter. Our boys, Oliver and Garrison, learned a hard lesson of life when their sister died. Lessons of love, loss and hope have made them strong in character and will stay with them their entire lives. Kyleigh is a gift to our family that we carry in our hearts, always.

Kyleigh gave the gift of life. Through the help of the Midwest Transplant Network, two of Kyleigh’s heart valves were donated. While we do not know for certain if her heart valves have given new life to someone else, we feel confident that they were a gift to someone either through donation or research. Kyleigh’s giving of a part of her body has taught us to be more aware of organ and tissue donation. I am still amazed to this day that my baby girl was given the opportunity to possibly save someone else’s life when she never took a breath herself.

Three months ago, Kyleigh started giving the gift of SleepSacks to all newborns at the Birthing Center here at Liberty Hospital. They truly are a gift from Kyleigh, as each SleepSack bears her name. A sleep sack is a wearable blanket whose purpose is to replace loose blankets in the crib. They encourage safe sleep practices for newborns and raise awareness regarding SIDS and infant death. Just a few weeks ago, Rodger and I received a message via social media from a new Dad. These are his words, “My wife and I would like to thank you for the gracious gift of the sleep sack. Our daughter slept very well our first night home. It’s an amazing thing that you all are doing.” Attached to the message was a picture of his daughter, all warm and snug in her Kyleigh’s Gift sleep sack. I was surprised to receive the message, especially since I do not know this family. Then I was speechless and brought to tears. The reality set in that this is really happening. Real families are receiving a gift of comfort, warmth and peace because of my baby girl. I was touched to receive this message of thanks and realized that others are being touched by receiving the gift of a sleep sack.

When we began the Kyleigh’s Gift fund, we knew that we wanted something tangible to come out of it. We had no idea that in just two short years, the fund would grow to what it is today. Our hope is to be able to continue the SleepSack project for many years to come. We would also like to find a way in the near future to provide support to families who go home with empty arms, just as we did. The first annual Kyleigh’s Gift 5K/3K to be held on October 11 of this year is one way that we can keep those hopes and dreams alive. The run/walk will benefit the SleepSack program and a candlelight service to recognize National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day will conclude the evening.

Another way to describe a gift is through a special ability or unique talent that one might have. Some of us refer to this as a spiritual gift given to us by God. At our church, we are often given the opportunity to take a survey that helps us identify our Spiritual Gifts and then we are directed into an area of ministry where those gifts can be used. We have been told by some that they went to church for the first time because of Kyleigh. Others began to dig deeper into their faith and reached beyond themselves to bring others into their faith because of Kyleigh. Rodger and I believe that Kyleigh played a vital role in reconciling members of our extended family. She has made relationships stronger, both inside and outside of our family. Friendships have formed that never would have because she was given to us. We have a bond with our doctor, Mary Clare Reardon, and one of our nurses, Laurie, which is so special that honestly, it is hard to describe. Because of Kyleigh, we have been given the opportunity to minister to other couples in our community who have lost a child. From these examples, I would say that Kyleigh possesses many Spiritual Gifts that have and continue to touch the lives of many, both near and far.

By now, I’m sure you can see why we chose to name this fund, Kyleigh’s Gift. It might not have been clear to us in those first days of grief, but it becomes clearer and clearer to us, and hopefully to you, as each day passes.” ~Leann

“So why the Foundation then? Memorial funds are often times established in banks or are self-managed. It’s a good question to ask why we made the choice to setup Kyleigh’s Fund with the Liberty Hospital Foundation versus some other route. By doing so, we knew that there would be boundaries around how the resources of the fund would be managed. We knew that the money that we and others gave would need approval by one or more people when the time came for the money to be dispersed, but quite frankly, we knew nothing of the Foundation. For a very good reason, in our darkest hour, we decided it best to trust someone. And that first person was Mark.

As Leann mentioned in the days following Kyleigh’s death, people wanted to help. They sent cards, gave food and provided condolences. Sometimes when people don’t know what to do they just send money. We are not in the position to need money, so instead we decided to create a placeholder to do some eventual good with these gifts. I placed one phone call to Mark over the following days and he took the time to listen to a grieving father and understand what we wanted, and more importantly, he knew exactly what to do. He gave us the time and space for the initial pain to pass while listening and working with others at the hospital in our absence to find a way to make use of the funds in a way that would both honor Kyleigh and bring us joy. The scar of loss will never heal, but seeing Kyleigh’s name on printed material brings a measure of satisfaction that is very hard to explain.

Leann and I are missions minded people. We believe this is part of our calling. Kyleigh’s fund is a mission based fund managed by the Foundation, but it’s certainly not the only one they manage. We are here tonight because people before us had a vision to create an organization that would align the willingness to act, with community need, and the skills and talents required to change the world … right here in Liberty. We are here because of people like yourselves that gave in support of this vision. For years, Leann and I have given to mission organizations like Samaritan’s Purse, World Vision, various disaster relief efforts managed by UMCOR and certainly the work of our local church. What I never saw until Kyleigh showed me was the apparent need right here in my community.

The people at the Foundation are gifted people that are doing a great work and are always ready to make a difference. Leann and I are blessed to know and to work with them. They have our full support and partnership now and over the years to come. Thank you for your time and thank you for supporting the Foundation.” ~Rodger

Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 11 weeks gestation. The due date was December 15, 2006. By the time my due date came, I was almost 12 weeks pregnant. I remember going out to lunch with my mom on that day. It was a bittersweet day as we prepared for Christmas, were excited for a new baby and still sad over the one we had lost. My nerves were especially on edge as I neared the 12 week mark in that pregnancy. I was right around the same point where I had miscarried and I thought if I could just get past 12 weeks, everything would be okay. I carried this baby to term and he just turned seven last week. In the early years of his life, I often thought about how if I had not miscarried, I would not have my baby boy.

In December of 2008, I found out I was pregnant just a few weeks before Christmas. This was my third pregnancy. Just a week later on December 18, 2008, I miscarried at 5-6 weeks gestation. We never did have a definite due date, but this baby would have been due mid-August 2009. When August 2009 came, I was almost four months pregnant with my fourth pregnancy. Once again, I was pregnant after a miscarriage and before the due date of the baby I lost. This pregnancy resulted in a healthy baby boy born in the early months of 2010. He is almost 4 ½.

At this point, I had been pregnant four times, resulting in 2 healthy boys and 2 miscarriages. To me, there was a clear pattern: miscarriage, live birth, miscarriage, live birth. Like I said, both of my boys were conceived before the due date of the babies I miscarried. If I had not miscarried either of those babies, I would not have the boys I have today. This by no means says that I am glad I miscarried. There is no emotion in this knowledge, just fact. You cannot get pregnant with a new baby while you are 5-6 months pregnant with another. Emotionally, I have two babies that died within weeks of me finding out I was pregnant. Emotionally, I have two babies in heaven that I never got to meet, never got to name and do not even know if they were boys or girls. Someday, I believe I will meet them and know the answers to these questions. This becomes a sticky subject with some and is hard to really describe in words. I think about it all the time and it makes sense in my mind. But let me make one thing clear: My living boys did not replace the babies I lost. They did not replace them at birth and they do not replace them now. Up until this point in my life, I had four children.

In August of 2011, I found out I was pregnant for the 5th time. Our oldest son had just turned four and our youngest son was 18 months old. We wanted another child, but our plan was to wait at least six more months before getting pregnant. Things don’t always follow our timeline and we found out we were expecting just a few days after we sold our house. You can read more about that here, The Nudge. I expected to lose this baby to miscarriage. That may sound crazy to some, but I honestly did. Like I said above, I had a pattern of miscarrying before having a healthy, living baby. I had asked my doctor after my second miscarriage if we could do any testing to find out what was happening. Due to my age at the time, they wouldn’t check for any abnormalities until I had miscarried three consecutive times. Once I hit the 12 week mark without any problems, I figured I had reached the ‘safe zone’ with this new pregnancy. As we soon learned, there is no ‘safe zone’ when talking about pregnancy. Anything can happen at any point. This pregnancy was Kyleigh, my 5th child.

Now, we have six. Yes, you read that correctly … SIX children! I am just days away from entering my sixth month of pregnancy. Our oldest son just turned seven, our youngest son is almost 4 ½ and Kyleigh would have been just over 2 years old. There is no overlap with this baby. I was not even allowed to get pregnant within the first year after Kyleigh’s death. When I was pregnant with Kyleigh, we had decided she would be our last. We went back and forth for a while, but going into labor & delivery, we were 99% sure that this was it. I say 99%, because in the back of my mind I knew I could convince Rodger to have just one more. The baby that I am carrying now is that baby. If Kyleigh had lived, I would still be expecting her younger sibling. I know this because of what my faith teaches me … “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb,” Psalm 139:13. It is my belief that all children are created by God in His time. God has known far longer than we have that we would be pregnant with this child.

So you may be asking yourself why I am announcing our new baby this way and with these words. Here is why …

As I made clear above, my boys did not replace the babies I lost to miscarriage. Let me make another thing clear: The baby that we are expecting does not replace Kyleigh. To think or suggest otherwise is disrespectful to Kyleigh. She is part of our family and always will be. Our new baby is not a consolation prize that God has given us because Kyleigh died.

Some of you are reading this and thinking, “I never would have even thought that!” I never did either. Until someone mentioned it to me when I told them I was pregnant. I was so speechless I’m not sure I even responded. My hope is that this person will read this and realize that children are not replaceable. Mothers, fathers, grandparents, siblings … HUMANS are not replaceable. We replace our fish when they die. We may get a new puppy a few months after a dog dies. We do not have more babies to replace the ones who die. At least not in my family! It was actually suggested to me after Kyleigh passed away to just have another baby, then everything will be okay. I have to be honest, comments like these really show how little some people value human life.

We have kept this pregnancy quiet from the beginning for personal reasons. We have told people a few at a time, as we were ready to. Recent comments by some who have found out made me ready to share with a broader audience. The comments were upsetting at first. So much to the point that I was done telling anyone our good news and thought everyone else could just wait until this baby is born. After I had some time to think about it, I decided that now is the time to share our news and educate everyone a little in the process. It’s not your typical ‘baby reveal,’ but those nauseate me anyway.

Some of you may be wondering about the details of this pregnancy, such as, when this baby is due, etc. Right now, we ask for your patience as we keep these details to ourselves. However, we welcome your thoughts and prayers as we continue on this journey. Pregnancy after loss is a lonely and sometimes difficult place to be. We are excited for what is to come, but also know all too well what can happen. We are trusting God to lead us through this and have faith that He will not leave our side. He has given us the blessing of six perfect babies! If you feel led, we would love for you to walk alongside us by supporting us with your love and prayers.

There will never be another Weller Baby #1, Oliver, Weller Baby #3, Garrison, Kyleigh or New Baby!

Kyleigh’s Bear ~ Big Sister

Saturday marked two years since Kyleigh was born and died. It’s hard to fathom that it has been two years, although at times, it seems much longer than that. I realize how long ago two years was when I look at my boys and see how much they have grown up. Our youngest boy was barely 2 years old himself when Kyleigh was born. He asks a lot of questions about her and what happened because he simply does not remember most of the details. Our oldest boy is almost 7, and that just about knocks my socks off! How is it that he is going to be seven years old?! It makes me start to question if I am doing everything I can to provide him what he needs to grow into a young man. It makes me wonder if these last two years have been healthy and positive for him, or if he feels like his life has been turned upside down and will never be the same.

I do not write much anymore. There is always plenty to say. There is not always the time, or the right words to say them in. When I sit down to write, I often find my thoughts turning towards the negative and I don’t want this space to turn into my rant of the things that frustrate and disappoint me when it comes to living this life without Kyleigh. So I avoid the blank page and wait until I forget what I was going to write about, or something better comes along. I think Kyleigh’s 2nd birthday is something better and worth writing about.

A lot of very positive things are happening in Kyleigh’s name and there has been great progress just within the last month. Knowing that we set up a fund in Kyleigh’s name through the Liberty Hospital Foundation is not news to most of you. Over the last year, the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund has been working on getting the Sleep Sack project off the ground. Originally, the sleep sacks were to be shipped and ready to start passing out to newborns at the first of this year. Weather and holidays caused some delays and it was the beginning of March before the sleep sacks arrived at the hospital. The Foundation invited us to come and check out the sleep sacks before they started to hand them out. We decided to make it a family affair and took the boys with us. When we walked into the Foundation office, they surprised us with the first Kyleigh’s Gift sleep sack. They had it placed in a shadow box, ready for us to display at home. We are excited to get it hung up for all who enter our home to see.

The second surprise of the afternoon was the news that they wanted to hold a reception to kick-off the sleep sack project. A few weeks later, family, friends, Liberty Hospital and Liberty Hospital Foundation board members, doctors, nurses and community members came together to see the fruits of the labor of many people. To see the faces of those we know come together to celebrate and remember Kyleigh is one thing, but to see so many new faces from the community learn about Kyleigh, left us speechless. We were so touched by the presence of everyone there.

Just a few nights before the reception, the first committee meeting was held for the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund. It was decided by the Foundation to form a committee to start planning and making decisions for the fund. This was great news for us because that means that the fund is growing and gaining momentum. Our first project is to plan a run/walk fundraiser for October 11, 2014. Save the date!

There is a lot more going on behind the scenes. We have been interviewed by the hospital for an upcoming publication and could possibly be speaking at a LH Foundation event this summer. When we started the Kyleigh’s Gift fund two years ago, we never imagined it would reach this stage in just two short years. There is something special about seeing Kyleigh’s name in print … on each sleep sack that goes home with new families … on the card that explains the meaning behind the sleep sacks … on newsletters distributed by the Foundation. There is no way that we could have done this on our own and we are so grateful for the Liberty Hospital Foundation and all of the work that they have done and continue to do to help us share Kyleigh with others.

But here’s the thing. All of this does not take away the pain. Walking into a patient’s room at the Liberty Hospital Birthing Center and seeing a Kyleigh’s Gift Sleep Sack sitting on the table waiting for the next mom and baby to arrive does not take the pain away. It creates a very bittersweet moment. It creates a moment of excitement that we did this! Kyleigh did this! But wait. Kyleigh isn’t here to witness it. We are doing this because Kyleigh is gone. There would have been no reason to start a fund in her name had she lived. The emotions that all of this creates at one time is simply overwhelming.

Having the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund has helped us in our grief. It gives us something to focus on that is specific to Kyleigh. This is how we parent her, if you will. We want to honor, celebrate and remember Kyleigh the best that we can. This is how we are choosing to do just that. But the grief is still there. We miss her and we always will. I think there is a misconception among most people that when you turn a tragedy into something good (like I think we are doing), then the tragedy slowly fades … disappears. People assume that since you have something to focus on, you are no longer sad. People assume that you have moved on because your mind has shifted to planning events in memory of your loved one instead of focusing on the tragic event itself. People assume that there are no more tears because they see you smiling and laughing.

We still have days of sadness. We will never move on. We still cry. Our hearts are lifted when a friend brings us dinner the week of Kyleigh’s birthday. We smile when children make Kyleigh birthday cards. We cry happy tears when a dear friend writes a note telling us how she will never forget Kyleigh. We feel blessed when loved ones join us to celebrate, whether it is the unveiling of the sleep sacks or at the park for Kyleigh’s birthday. We feel loved when people acknowledge not only our daughter, but also our pain.

We spent Saturday morning watching the boys play soccer. They were excited from the moment they woke up because it was Kyleigh’s birthday. I think this gave them a little extra motivation during their game. Afterwards, we met family and friends at a local park to enjoy lunch and birthday cake. It was very laid back, as we even asked everyone to bring their own lunch. We knew those that we invited would not be offended. It was a beautiful, sunny day and I know Kyleigh was shining down on us as we sang ‘Happy Birthday!’ After three and a half hours at the park, we were tired, so we headed home for some rest. That evening, the four of us went to my parent’s house for dinner, where we just simply relaxed. It’s so nice to have a place to go where we can just ‘be’ and there are no expectations. After church on Sunday, we took the boys to the cemetery to lay some fresh flowers and release two balloons.

Overall, it was a nice weekend and we are happy with how we chose to celebrate Kyleigh’s birthday this year. One thing that we have agreed on is that we will celebrate her birthday every year. We don’t know how or when it will happen each year. All we know is that our daughter deserves to be remembered … especially on her birthday.