I can tell that Oliver is starting to learn about Thanksgiving at school. He came home talking about being thankful and how many colors were on the corn that he saw at school. As we talked about what Thanksgiving means, I reminded him that it’s good to be thankful all the time, not just at Thanksgiving. He agreed.

So, I am taking my own words and putting them into action. I have created a new page, Seeds of Thankfulness, that will focus on the ways in which our family is thankful. I am using the scripture from Colossians 2:7 as my inspiration …

“Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.”

Every Thursday, we will post a new Seeds of Thanksgiving. Here is today’s:

Seeds of Thankfulness – Week 1 ~ November 14, 2013

Kyleigh’s Gift sleep sack

The past few weeks have been stressful around our house. Rodger has been out of town for 12 out of the last 18 days. I acquire a whole new perspective (and a lot of respect) for single moms when he is gone. Whether it was him leaving right after we got back from our own weekend getaway, or the hustle and bustle of Halloween, I’m not sure, but I struggled more with this trip then I have in a while. It’s mentally and physically exhausting to be the one doing everything. To read a little bit about his trip, click here.

Throughout the time that Rodger was gone, I experienced a handful of unexpected blessings. All of them were related to Kyleigh, which always makes me stop and thank God, for it is these unexpected blessings that show me that Kyleigh is not forgotten. Two of these blessings came by email this week. I was contacted by two separate women who had read about Kyleigh. One is a bereaved mother herself, looking for someone to connect with in the loss of her baby boy. The other is a nursing student, looking to use Kyleigh’s story and our positive experiences with our nurses in a presentation that she is doing for class. I have communicated with both of these women over the past few weeks and have found healing for myself as I shared details of Kyleigh that I hold so close to my heart.

The other big blessing this week was receiving the above photo. The sleep sacks are one step closer to being ready to give to newborns at Liberty Hospital! The Foundation received this sample and sent us a picture for our approval. We love it! The next step is to submit the first order and hopefully have them ready to hand out in January. We also received word that the LH Foundation is introducing the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund to all hospital employees through their Employee Giving Tree Campaign. This will give employees the opportunity to make a financial contribution to the hospital community, which includes Kyleigh’s fund. A lot of great things are starting to happen with the Kyleigh’s Gift Fund.

I am thankful for God’s unexpected blessings during the stressful times of everyday life.

I work in the safety business. I’m a Software Manager for a large corporation that builds applications which use a bunch of math to inform companies that harvest natural resources of when they may be operating their materials at unsafe conditions when pressurized. That’s a lot of words, but it basically means that when you put something under pressure, there’s an increased opportunity for failure. As history has shown, the consequences of which can be disastrous. I’ve thought a lot recently about why I do the things that I do. I’ve never been particularly great at math and in fact, I’ve been known to discuss my disdain for the subject. But as much as I may try to avoid solving an equation, I also recognize that when we use math and actually apply what the results are telling us, we can change an otherwise hazardous situation into something much more responsible, much more respectable, and more importantly, much more safe.

I have logged more than 75,000 air-miles this year and been to places from the UK to Canada to Qatar to California. I’ve spent more time on the road in hotel rooms this year than any time in my professional career and I hate that. I found myself with a day off today and I stumbled across something beautiful.

It’s difficult to make out the inscription from the image, but this is the marker for a child that passed away on February 26th, 1856 at 17 months. For 157 years this marker has stood on the top of an ancient fortress outside the ruins of a crumbling monastery. For a guy from the Mid-West, this is not something that you come across every day, but my thoughts instantly went to my girl, and the hurt this child’s parents must have felt in the days preceding and following their precious baby’s death. I wish today that I didn’t know how they felt yet at the same time, I often times wish that I was the only one who knew this pain. I know of fathers today that have lost children and the last thing they want to do is talk about it. Not because they’re ashamed or hiding from their grief, but because they don’t want to believe that other people could know how they feel. As if that would somehow lessen their own grief or force them to pick up and move on just because other people have managed to do so. It takes time and more importantly, it takes the decision to live with your grief, not away from it and certainly not immersed in it. I still remember making that choice. I felt like I was on the cusp of something. Something was brewing, but it wasn’t what I expected.

Since graduating from Calvary, I always thought the next step was seminary. That’s the logical progression and the one that perhaps most people expected who know me personally. True, I have a mind for theology and I’ve not found a subject that intrigues my mind more than this one. I wish I could find a way to teach the Scriptures all the time. But interestingly, right now isn’t the time for that. I don’t know why that is, but I’m ok with it. I’m sure that day will come but right now, the focus is different.

I’ve always had a gift to see systems holistically. I call this a gift intentionally. I certainly did not learn this in college and I think the Scriptures are clear that all we have and all we are, are simply gifts from the Father above (James 1:17, 1 Corinthians 12). I used to enjoy technology for the sake of it. I had the latest widget, I used the latest code and I applied the latest trends to the systems that I designed and built. Technology was the thing that I coveted and my pursuit was relentless. One day that changed for me. One day it was less about the technology and more about the problem. What problem was there that I could solve? How could I apply the things that I had learned to build something great? Then life changed and the focus shifted. Today the question now looks like this, “how can I apply the things that I have learned, the gifts that I possess, that patterns that I understand to make systems safe? How can I be used by God to build something so economically feasible that it forces companies to use safe practices to prevent tragedy? To prevent some other parent from feeling what I feel first hand?” Now that is something worthy, honorable and right (Philippians 4:8) and it’s what motivates me to sacrifice when I would much rather be someplace else.

I met a friend for lunch several months after Kyleigh’s birth and our discussion was puzzling. I had already made the choice to commit to whatever “cause” God was calling me to, and I was genuinely excited about having done so. I had been exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed, promoted, happy and sad about the direction life was moving, but I was choosing to embrace it. Because of this, he observed that my disposition was different. So different in fact, that he doubted if I was living in reality or if I was avoiding my problems altogether. I’m grateful that he said something about it during our lunch, but it bothered me for several days. Clearly I still think about that conversation that we had but instead of being puzzled by it, I’m forced again to the Scriptures where new truths are revealed.

2 Samuel 12 contains the story of the David and the loss of his son because of the sins that he and Bathsheba committed against God and Uriah. The Scriptures are clear; the loss of their child was a consequence for what they had done. I don’t believe that’s always the case for every couple, but death is the consequence of sin, which has a rippling effect throughout history. When David learned of the death of his child, he chose to get up and go worship God. Three days after Kyleigh died I could think of no other place to be than at the sunrise service on Easter morning with Oliver on the grounds where our church will soon be constructing a new worship and children’s center. I’m excited to be a part of it, even if only peripherally until God calls me to do something else.

There’s no doubt that death today is occasionally the result of someone missing something painfully obvious. We call this negligence. That’s a nasty word in the court of law, but I’m in a position today where the math, systems and industrial best-practices can save lives. This is why I’m passionate about what I do. My job is not the first thing in my life. God is, with my family a close second. I know one day this will change abruptly and I will move on. I have no idea when that might be but I’m prepared to jump at a moment’s notice.

As I finished touring the grounds at the monastery, I turned west and looked over the castle walls into the moat that use to protect the structure. It was formidable. I looked south and saw the beaches and break walls that shield the river form the North Sea. I turned east and saw the expanse of the ocean and felt the cold winds blowing. I turned north and saw this:

I feel like David, “I will go to her, but she will not return to me.”
~Rodg

The month of October is a busy month of ‘awareness.’ I searched for a full listing just this evening and every list I found included a cause that the previous list did not include. Here are a few: Domestic Violence Awareness Month, Down Syndrome Awareness Month, Eye Injury Prevention Month, Hunger Awareness Month, National AIDS Awareness Month … the list could go on and on.

Every one of these causes is important to someone, lots of someone’s. If not, they wouldn’t be recognized. Some are so important that they are recognized not only nationally, but globally.

I have spent a lot of time this month focusing on pregnancy and infant loss awareness. Last year, I was still so fresh in my grief that the month came and went without too much notice. This year, it was my mission to bring awareness, if even to just one person. If just one person learned something or was touched in some way by what was shared, then it was worth the focused effort.

At the same time, I feel like I have overlooked another important cause in my life: Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Both of my grandmothers had breast cancer. Both of them fought hard to win the battle. One grandma lived several years cancer free. There are several other women I know that have fought the battle and won. My other grandma fought it off, only to have it return as bone cancer a few years later. She lost her battle in June 2012. There are other women I know that have fought the battle and lost.

This post is dedicated first to my Grandma and my Grandma Nina, strong women who will always be a source of encouragement for me, even from heaven. This post is also dedicated to all women who are survivors of breast cancer, those who lost their battle and those yet to come who will endure the pain of learning they have breast cancer. May we someday find a cure for this horrible disease!

Grandma, Leann, Grandma Nina and my sister, Amber ~ May 2007 baby shower

Rodger and I are featured over at Still Breathing today as the Inspirational Bereaved Parent. We are honored to share a part of Kyleigh’s story and hope you take the time to read Nora’s story over at Still Breathing.

October 15, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Everyone is invited to light a candle at 7pm in memory of all babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. Take a picture of your candle and email it to: info@kyleighsgift.com. I will post the pictures soon after.

There are many organizations and support groups that hold ceremonies on or around October 15. You can find a list of activities across the U.S. here, http://www.october15th.com/activities-walks/, or by doing a quick internet search on your own. I apologize if the event you find has already happened; I was hoping to get this information posted sooner.

My hope is that this time next year, we will be holding an event through Kyleigh’s Gift to honor and remember all babies who have left us too soon. Stay tuned for more details after the first of the year!

Throughout the month of October, I have been posting information regarding pregnancy loss on the Kyleigh’s Gift Facebook page. The first few weeks have focused on miscarriage and I plan to conclude the month with facts about stillbirth. If you are on Facebook, hop on over and ‘Like’ Kyleigh’s Gift.

In honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, we will be holding a raffle fundraiser for Kyleigh’s Gift! Stay tuned for more information coming soon!

Last, Kyleigh’s Gift has email! You can contact us at: info@kyleighsgift.com. Feel free to contact us with questions, your own story of loss or just to say hi!

In recent months my travels have been more numerous than I have experienced in many years. Back in mid-September, I found myself in Calgary, Alberta for another few hours of meetings that required a day of travel up and back. On the previous trip I was surprised at the amount of foot traffic at the airport for an 0600 flight, so I decided to get there a bit early in hopes of beating the crowds. I was successful.

I have this rather unfortunate ability to wake up before my alarm. This is especially true when there’s something on my mind that starts early in the morning and I know that I have to awake. On the night before my flight, I packed my bags and set the alarm for 0345. I awoke the next morning at 0315. Off to the airport I drove with very few other souls awake in Calgary.

I arrived at the line for customs a few steps before another guy, but I let him go ahead. People are often surprised by a simple gesture such as this, as was he, but I figured, I’m 2.5 hours before my flight and heading to the gate, so a few extra minutes in line waiting for him to clear won’t hurt. We followed the line and snaked through the silly people-routing lanes only to find the door to the customs hall was locked. As it turns out, you cannot get into customs until 0430, so we were numbers 1 & 2 in line. We had 30 minutes to stand there and chat while the queue built behind us. He was on his way to Baltimore. “Where are you going and where are you from” is always a fascinating question to me, but it’s rather superficial. His professional story was a bit similar to mind, but his allegiances were much different. His next trip was 2 weeks away, and he was to fly out on his wife’s birthday. Bad idea man, bad idea. He decided it was ok because they were celebrating the weekend before, but still, only the relationship between me and my God is more important to me than what my wife and I share and my heart broke for her. Such is business travel…or so it trends.

When the doors finally opened we rushed through the next room of people-routing lanes. We all moved left then right, left then right…it’s probably a comical sight for the “first line of defense” officers that guard our countries borders. He was detained a bit and I sailed through. That made me first through customs and I thought to myself, “this is new.” I’ve traveled so much recently that I’ve sort of run-out of “first” experiences so I was a little surprised by it. I was first through security and was so excited by this that I told the agent checking my boarding pass. She politely congratulated me and sent me on my way. That popped my bubble as I realized she gets that every day and she was about to work with a steady stream of people for the next 6 – 8 hours. I’m very grateful that my job has some variability to it.

After my “first” cup of coffee, “first” arrival at the departure gate and “first” to select from the comfy chairs in the terminal, I crashed until it was time to board. I don’t usually travel home on Saturday’s, and this time we had a Roller Derby Championship game (Way to go ROYAL PAINS and my crazy sister Amber!!) to go to in the evening so I was ready to catch up on the hours of sleep that I lost in the hustle of travel. I had an upgraded seat on the way out of Calgary, so I knew I would sleep on the flight. I was wrong. I fell asleep during the taxi and safety briefing, but I was wide awake once we were airborne. I decided that was ok as I had a short layover in Salt Lake, then one more flight to KC. I just knew that I would sleep on the second leg. I opened the laptop and typed another few pages of emails in the never ending stream of static communication. It’s ironic really…the longer I work in my profession the more I hate email. It’s the least effective form of communication yet it’s the one we rely on the most for the most important information. I cannot wait for the day when this is deprecated for something more effective (like FaceTime!!).

After the layover, I settled onto the plane using my coveted early-boarding privileges (that’s the same …thou shalt not covet…) and I was just getting comfortable when the last of my “firsts” was about to commence. A man named Richard sat next to me and started asking the typical traveler questions. It started out the same as the conversation that I’d had a few hours earlier with the guy in line at customs. I figured he wanted to know where I was coming from and where I was going, then he would leave me alone and I could sleep. In the spirit of full disclosure…I have one homeward bound travel shirt that I wear for this purpose. It’s an oversized KU shirt that is very comfortable, and tells people where I’m going. Generally speaking, it preempts the conversation before it starts. You look at the shirt, you see the logo, and you realize there’s no point in asking. The end result is that we both sit there, quietly, enjoying the hum of the engines and hopefully drift off to the place were dreams prevail. But he would have none of that.

When I asked, “what do you do,” he told me that he recently (within the past few years) had started his second career. He said he used to be a lot like me, traveling around and doing business work, but that later in life he found something (or Someone) that gave him purpose. But it was that comment, “that he used to be a lot like me,” that kindled a fire inside of me. He had no idea who I was and he certainly had no idea of my story. He had no idea that I live everyday full of purpose. A few minutes into the flight the question came up, how many kids do you have? For some reason I felt this was not the time for simple answers and I felt like this man deserved to hear the story. Five. I have five children was my response. Two of my boys are with me at home. I have one daughter in heaven and two more whose gender I do not know. But I know that one day I’ll meet all of them together with my Savior, and my, what a reunion that will be!

I figured this would do one of two things. I feel that people today are generally afraid to talk about death. When the subject comes up, they either change the subject by talking about rainbows and unicorns, or they think you are a lunatic who is fixated on the subject and not worth their time. But Richard was different. He did neither of these two things. He started asking me about my grief. About my wife’s grief. About our sons grief. He didn’t try to diffuse, derail or otherwise distract from the subject. He was genuine, sincere and listened patiently while I told my story. I wanted to tell him that I was nothing like who he used to be. Thankfully it didn’t take me a lifetime to figure out my purpose. I’ve already posted about the importance of Ephesians 2:10 to me and my life, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” It took just six minutes, eighteen months ago today, for this to crystalize in my mind. From 5:57 to 6:03 when my world turned upside down and it was time to test all that I had learned and believed in the fires of adversity. It is not surprising to me that the result is just as the Scriptures have promised.

“In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory.” 1 Peter 1:6-8

My intersection with Richard was not coincidental. Neither was it lucky. These words have no place for someone in relationship with Christ. As it turns out, Richard was en-route to visit a friend whose son had developed a severe medical condition. It sounded as if his life was in the balance and by God’s grace, it would go either direction. We talked about prayer, and that many times in prayer the answer isn’t always YES, but there is always an answer. It gave me an opportunity to talk about Kyleigh, about my friend Joe, about my God and about how everything we do either turns people toward or away from Him. He also told me a great deal about the city of his childhood, a place not 48 hours before I had decided I would take Leann for a weekend escape in the weeks ahead. I’m grateful for my intersection with Richard, and for this “first” opportunity to share my story with a complete stranger who simply wanted to listen.

May God bless your ministry Richard, and may He grant Leann and I the rest we seek over our weekend away.

~Rodg

Rodger and I went to a grief workshop the other night. It focused on the stages of grief in children and introduced ways to help children through their grief. While we did find some of the information helpful, most of it did not apply to either our situation or the ages of our boys. One of the big things we left with is that our family is on the right track and doing pretty well on this journey.

One of the items discussed was ways to include your children in the mourning process. The facilitator talked about ways to include a child in remembering their loved one; plus letting the child have a voice in planning the funeral, especially if the loss is a parent. For whatever reason, this has been on my mind the past few days and made me think about how the boys remembered Kyleigh at her celebration of life.

When we were picking out flowers for Kyleigh’s service, we asked the boys if they wanted the flowers to be from all of us, or if they wanted their own. They decided on getting flowers for Kyleigh from just the two of them. Oliver and I sat down together at the computer and scrolled through floral arrangements on the florist’s website. He quickly found one that he liked and that Garrison agreed to, as well. The reason why Oliver liked it so well was because in the center of all of the flowers was a beautiful cross. I called the florist and as I described the arrangement, she told me she didn’t have the cross that goes in the middle. After I explained to her how important the cross was to Oliver, she assured me that she would figure something out. The florist went shopping for a cross that day and found the perfect one at a Hallmark store down the street from her shop. As you can see, surrounding the cross were beautiful pink flowers with a pink ‘Kyleigh’ ribbon, all chosen by Oliver and Garrison for their sister, Kyleigh.

From the very beginning, we have done what we can to include the boys in this journey of grief. We have found that our boys do better when they are included, when we tell them the truth and don’t try to hide things from them because we think they are too young. Children understand and process things so much better than adults give them credit for. I am glad that my boys want to be a part of celebrating Kyleigh. Whether it is picking out flowers for her celebration of life or helping decide what to do for her birthday, they have a voice in all of this too.

This post doesn’t have anything to do with lions or tigers. Just bears. These bears … The Patchwork Bear. I have seen bears like this before and they are just beautiful. Today, I saw a post on Still Standing about a Patchwork Bear that was made from the clothing and blankets from a baby girl who passed away at five days old. The bear is just precious. I love the little bear on the bottom of one of the paws. The Patchwork Bear and Still Standing Magazine are holding a giveaway for one of these bears to a baby loss mom. As I went to enter my name, I realized that I don’t have any clothes or blankets to send if I were to win. This makes me sad. It’s really the first time that I have wished for us to have more clothes and blankets for Kyleigh.

You see, since we did not know until Kyleigh’s birth that she was a girl, we had not bought hardly any girl stuff. We always buy a boy and girl coming home outfit. That is all we have that was bought specifically for Kyleigh. We have two or three other girl outfits that we bought when we were pregnant with Kyleigh’s brothers, because again, we did not find out gender until birth. But those aren’t Kyleigh’s clothes. Sure, she would have worn them, but they were not purchased specifically for her.

The dresser in her room is still full of baby clothes. Boy baby clothes. A few things are gender neutral, but the overall tone is definitely boy. Again, she would have worn some of it, but I do not consider those clothes to be hers. They are her brothers’ clothes that they wore and that someday I will put away. Someday, I will have to decide which of those baby clothes are worthy of a garage sale and which of those baby clothes are too precious to give away. The ones I keep will be from memories of my boys wearing them, not Kyleigh. So why is it so hard to go in her room and pull all the clothes out of the drawers and shove them back in the plastic totes that are stacked floor to ceiling in her closet? To be honest, I haven’t tried it, but know that the clothes are perfectly fine just where they are.

Kyleigh does have three blankets. We have the cream colored afghan that she was wrapped in after her death. It is the only blanket that holds her smell. The only blanket that I held her in. Volunteers from the hospital lovingly made it and it is folded up within her memory box. This blanket and a crocheted hat are the only items we have that Kyleigh physically wore that we still have. A second afghan is from Kyleigh’s grandma. She has made afghans for all of her grandchildren and after Kyleigh passed away, I asked Rodger’s mom if I could still have Kyleigh’s blanket. It also is folded up and tucked away in her memory box. The third blanket is a quilt made by my Grandma Nina. Many years ago, Grandma Nina gave my sister and I each a quilt that she had made. I took the blue one and my sister took the pink one. Grandma had made them for what she was hoping was her next great-grandchildren. The blue one that I took became my oldest son’s quilt. The pink one became Kyleigh’s. My sister brought it to me one day a few weeks after Kyleigh died and told me that she was saving it for her niece. She wanted me to have it for Kyleigh. Kyleigh was my Grandma Nina’s 15th great-grandchild. I know that Grandma has already made a quilt for Kyleigh in heaven. All three of these blankets hold such special meaning that there is no way I could ever send them off to have them made into something else.

There are two other very special blankets for Kyleigh. One is the afghan that she was buried with. It was made by my mother-in-law at the time of her father’s death. It is an afghan that was always very special to our family and only seemed fitting that Kyleigh was buried with it. The other special blanket is a soon to be made quilt by Kyleigh’s Grammy. My mom has made baby quilts for both boys and we once again were waiting to find out boy or girl before she started making a quilt for this baby. We have a pattern picked out and when the time is right, we will go shopping for the fabric. Making a baby quilt for a baby that you don’t get to hold is not an easy task.

As I think about the lack of baby clothes and blankets that I have to make a bear, I am reminded that Kyleigh already has a bear. In fact, she has two bears and a bunny. Before she was born, Rodger and I took our boys to Build-A-Bear and let them pick out a stuffed animal to make for their newest sibling. Oliver chose a bear and named it “Oliver.” Garrison chose a bunny and named it “Bunny.” My boys are so original. They had fun going through the process of making the animals and were excited to give them to their new brother or sister. The bear and bunny now sit on a shelf in my closet. Occasionally, the boys will ask to hold the animal that they made. We have told them that those stuffed animals are now theirs, as a memory of their sister, but we still don’t let them play with them for fear of them getting torn up.

The other bear that we have for Kyleigh would have been her 1st birthday bear. My parents have gotten both boys stuffed bears for their first birthdays. They LOVE their bears. Garrison often carries his around the house with him and Oliver continues to sleep with his every night. Sleep does not happen if we can’t find Bear! Kyleigh’s Grammy and Pa gave us her bear, tan with a pink bow around its neck, in the days following her death. Kyleigh’s bear sits atop our armoire and is a daily reminder of her and the love that her grandparents have for her.

As I look back at the beginning of this post, I was saddened by the fact that I don’t have a closet full of clothes or a drawer full of blankets that are pink and purple and full of flowers. But as I write this, one thought leads to another and I realize that I don’t need a closet full of girl stuff. In fact, I’ve always said I’m glad I don’t. That may sound harsh or odd to some, but dealing with drawers full of baby boy clothes is hard enough. If we had found out that our baby was a girl, we would have bought out the baby girl section at Target and Babies R Us, guaranteed! I can’t imagine coming home with empty arms to a room full of all new pink stuff.

What I have realized is that what we have for Kyleigh and of Kyleigh is enough. Everything we have, albeit small in comparison to other babies, is full of memories and sentiments that only we know of. I remember with distinction the day that we took the boys to the mall to buy coming home outfits and stuffed animals. I remember clinging onto the small cream colored afghan during her celebration of life. Because we have so little of Kyleigh’s things, everything we do have means the world to us and no offense to The Patchwork Bear company, but I don’t need another bear. I already have two bears plus a bunny.

Disclaimer: If I were to win The Patchwork Bear Giveaway, I will donate my bear to a baby loss mom who has a closet full of clothes, but no bear.